Because I say so

Picture the scene, you the parent ask your child to do something that you believe is reasonable. Your child turns to you and says ‘why should I’? Because you are the parent, you can’t believe your child is questioning your authority. You now start to get angry at this child’s defiance and utter these words ‘Because I say so’ this only falls on deaf ears and you now start to lose your temper. Now picture this scene, you are at work and your manager asks you to do something that is not in your job description, you may think ‘why should I do that’, hopefully they will give you an explanation as to why you should do the said task. If no explanation is fourth coming you may ask for one. Even then if you don’t believe the task is reasonable you may question what is asked of you. Now because you have flexible thought and can see into the future i.e. the consequences of not doing as your manager wants. You may reluctantly comply. Why is an adult allowed to seek clarification and yet a child is not? We could argue that children aren’t supposed to question why, but if you have autism that just doesn’t make any sense. Individuals can also struggle to see into the future so the consequence of noncompliance does not occur to them. The best thing you can do for child is when you ask them to do something to try and give a rational explanation as to why they should do it, because I say so is not a rational explanation. You may also have to motivate them to them to do something but we will look at that at a later date. This also applies when you don’t want to do something i.e. don’t do that it’s disgusting, is not a reason not to do it. For some reason I was thinking of nose picking. You have to give them the rational reason as to why not to do it i.e. Picking your nose is potentially dangerous for your health. If you have a virus, fungus, or bacteria on your finger and you pick your nose, the pathogens have found an easy way to enter your body. Obviously you could use simpler language that your child can understand. So remember try to not lose your temper when your children question why, give them a logical reason as to why they should do something or not do something.

Theory of Mind

A lot of individuals on the spectrum can have difficulties with something that is called theory of mind or ToM and it is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one's own. To put it simply it’s knowing that others see things differently, now young neuro-typical children have no ToM but it evolves at around 4 years old. So when I am playing hide and seek with my daughter and she is 3 years old she hides under the coffee table right in front of me but not looking at me and she believes that as she can’t see me I can’t see her. Now I encourage this illusion by pretending that I can’t see her and even step over her whilst pretending to try and find her saying things such as “Where is Jess”? Now at around 4 ToM can evolve and eventually Jess will learn that just because she can’t see me it doesn’t mean that I can’t see her, so two people can have a very different point of view. My friend Phil who has AS once told me that when teachers asked him a question he believed that as he didn’t know the answer then they knew he didn’t know the answer so basically he believed that they were deliberately trying to make him look stupid. It also means that if they believe something then you must believe the same thing. This way of looking at things can often get people into trouble. Let’s say I see you in a bar and I fancy you. If I lack theory of mind I may think that you automatically fancy me. Because of this I decide to follow you home and when you open your curtains at 3am and see me on your lawn with a bunch of flowers, of course you know that I have good intentions. Now as I have ToM I know this not to be true and what will probably unfold is that you dial 999. Having difficulty with ToM means that individuals can get themselves into all kinds of difficulties. One young man sat on a bus next to a lady with beautiful long blonde hair, his passion was collecting other peoples hair, so when he reached into his back and pulled out some scissors and attempted to cut the ladies hair he was really confused at her negative response, because in his eyes he didn’t mean any harm he just wanted a piece of hair. Difficulty with ToM also means that individuals may struggle at lying or manipulating people because to do these well it helps to have good ToM. The main problem with our children is that they get caught doing these things whereas when we do them because we have good Tom we often get away with it. Difficulty with ToM may also mean you may struggle with empathy or cognitive empathy (Cognitive Empathy the ability to look into someone else’s mind and understand why they are thinking the way they do) in as much that it may take you a lot longer to realise the impact of what you say or do as compared to someone that has good ToM. Other individuals have what we call Hyper-empathy and that means that they empathise with everything and at times this can be overwhelming so they have to try and shut these feelings down as the sensation is too intense, which then gives the illusion that they have no empathy. Then we also have Affective Empathy which is the ability to pick up on a vibe like that moment when you are sitting in a room and you feel like there is a tension but you can’t quite explain how you know. I remember listening to John Clements https://www.amazon.co.uk/People-Autism-Behaving-Badly-Behavioral/dp/1843107651/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1477924378&sr=8-2&keywords=john+clements+autism talk and he told us that certain individuals are very good at picking up a vibe from people. He said that in services where there is low moral there is often an increase in behaviours of concern caused by the atmosphere in the service. This would also explain when you are upset or angry that your child starts to act differently, either becoming hostile or just slowing down. I think I mentioned previously that when you are anxious your child may think that they are anxious and that is why they may slow down in the mornings. So if you want them to speed up, you are just going to have to try and relax and accept that you are going to be late. This in turn will relax you and they then may also relax.

If individuals struggle with ToM it’s no good saying to them “How do you think, that person feels” as they may say something really inappropriate to the situation. Because of this restorative justice tends https://www.restorativejustice.org.uk/what-restorative-justice not to work with many individuals on the spectrum. It’s all so complicated.