A lot of individuals on the
spectrum can have difficulties with something that is called theory of mind or
ToM and it is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs,
intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to
understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that
are different from one's own. To put it simply it’s knowing that others see
things differently, now young neuro-typical children have no ToM but it evolves
at around 4 years old. So when I am playing hide and seek with my daughter and
she is 3 years old she hides under the coffee table right in front of me but
not looking at me and she believes that as she can’t see me I can’t see her.
Now I encourage this illusion by pretending that I can’t see her and even step
over her whilst pretending to try and find her saying things such as “Where is
Jess”? Now at around 4 ToM can evolve and eventually Jess will learn that just
because she can’t see me it doesn’t mean that I can’t see her, so two people
can have a very different point of view. My friend Phil who has AS once told me
that when teachers asked him a question he believed that as he didn’t know the
answer then they knew he didn’t know the answer so basically he believed that
they were deliberately trying to make him look stupid. It also means that if
they believe something then you must believe the same thing. This way of
looking at things can often get people into trouble. Let’s say I see you in a
bar and I fancy you. If I lack theory of mind I may think that you
automatically fancy me. Because of this I decide to follow you home and when
you open your curtains at 3am and see me on your lawn with a bunch of flowers,
of course you know that I have good intentions. Now as I have ToM I know this
not to be true and what will probably unfold is that you dial 999. Having
difficulty with ToM means that individuals can get themselves into all kinds of
difficulties. One young man sat on a bus next to a lady with beautiful long
blonde hair, his passion was collecting other peoples hair, so when he reached
into his back and pulled out some scissors and attempted to cut the ladies hair
he was really confused at her negative response, because in his eyes he didn’t
mean any harm he just wanted a piece of hair. Difficulty with ToM also means
that individuals may struggle at lying or manipulating people because to do
these well it helps to have good ToM. The main problem with our children is
that they get caught doing these things whereas when we do them because we have
good Tom we often get away with it. Difficulty with ToM may also mean you may
struggle with empathy or cognitive empathy (Cognitive Empathy the ability to
look into someone else’s mind and understand why they are thinking the way they
do) in as much that it may take you a lot longer to realise the impact of what
you say or do as compared to someone that has good ToM. Other individuals have
what we call Hyper-empathy and that means that they empathise with everything
and at times this can be overwhelming so they have to try and shut these
feelings down as the sensation is too intense, which then gives the illusion
that they have no empathy. Then we also have Affective Empathy which is the
ability to pick up on a vibe like that moment when you are sitting in a room
and you feel like there is a tension but you can’t quite explain how you know.
I remember listening to John Clements https://www.amazon.co.uk/People-Autism-Behaving-Badly-Behavioral/dp/1843107651/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1477924378&sr=8-2&keywords=john+clements+autism
talk and he told us that certain individuals are very good at picking up a vibe
from people. He said that in services where there is low moral there is often
an increase in behaviours of concern caused by the atmosphere in the service.
This would also explain when you are upset or angry that your child starts to
act differently, either becoming hostile or just slowing down. I think I
mentioned previously that when you are anxious your child may think that they
are anxious and that is why they may slow down in the mornings. So if you want
them to speed up, you are just going to have to try and relax and accept that
you are going to be late. This in turn will relax you and they then may also
relax.
If
individuals struggle with ToM it’s no good saying to them “How do you think,
that person feels” as they may say something really inappropriate to the
situation. Because of this restorative justice tends https://www.restorativejustice.org.uk/what-restorative-justice
not to work with many individuals on the spectrum. It’s all so complicated.
