Being Literal.

Imagine the scene Steve takes a pen from Jeff’s pencil case without asking. Jeff becomes really angry and hits Steve in frustration. The teacher see’s this and says to Jeff “Do not hit Steve”, the next time Steve is angry with Jeff he doesn’t hit Jeff but instead he stamps on and breaks Jeff’s sandwich box. As he is doing this the teacher is shouting at Steve to stop. He replies “But I’m not hitting anyone”, the teacher replies “I’m not playing that game, just because I said you can’t hit Jeff it doesn’t mean you can do anything you like”. Steve replies “But I’m not hitting him”. The teacher replies “Do you want to lose your reward”? Jeff “But I’m not hitting him”. Because Steve is literal he takes everything you say literally. This means when the teacher says don’t hit Jeff, as far as he is concerned as long as he doesn’t hit Jeff anything else is acceptable. This is a combination of being literal and also flexibility of thought. Most neuro-typical children understood that what the teacher say’s and what she means can be two different things. Other children understand that what she is really saying is “Don’t hit Jeff, in fact don’t hit anyone or don’t get angry when I am around”. Now if Steve had flexibility of thought he could work out that if he really wanted to hit Jeff he could do it during break or after school. With a lot of autistic children it is best to use the approach ‘tell them what to do, not what not to do’. Also be very mindful of asking questions as requests (this is a very British thing to do) we say things like “Can you open the window”? to which they reply “yes I can” and then they don’t open the window. They hear it as a question but when we say “Can you open the window” it is actually a request to do it. At times it can get a bit more complicated because they may think yes I can but not actually tell you. So when you ask them if they can do something they may just look at you and then just walk away, which we interpret as rudeness but really it is a lack of understanding. Be mindful of sayings such as “In a minute” to some children who are aware of time this means 60 seconds. They come up to you and say “Mom can I talk to you”? You reply in a minute, after 60 seconds they return and say “Mom can I talk to you”? You reply “I said in a minute”, they are now getting stressed because you broke your promise and in frustration they shout “But it is in a minute”. You shout back “don’t talk to me like that, go to your room”. They are now really confused now because they did what you said and BOOM an incident occurs. Sorry but this is your fault not the child’s.

Literal examples:

Teacher: “Billy, have you done your home-work”?

Billy: “Yes I have”

Teacher “Can I see it”?

Billy “No”

Teacher: “Right young man, detention”

Billy: BOOM incident occurs.

Billy has done his home-work but it is in his bag under the desk. So of course the teacher cannot see it.

Correct response

Teacher: “Billy, have you done your home-work”?

Billy: “Yes I have”

Teacher: “Bring it to me please” or “Where is it”

Billy: “It’s in my bag under the desk”

Teacher: “Bring it to me please”

One young man who got arrested by the police was told to “Hop into the car”, much to the officer’s amazement the young man did indeed hop into the car.

This is why some children won’t do homework because it is school work and you do school work at school. Some schools have set up homework clubs to resolve this very issue.

Also be aware that some individuals can struggle with sarcasm.

One young lady was fighting with her mom at the top of the stairs and announced “I’m going to push you down the stairs”, to which her mom replied “Go on then”. Much to her amazement her daughter did indeed push her down the stairs.

‘tell them what to do, not what not to do’. Coming back to this phrase you may have to teach your children what to do in difficult situations. Rather than say “Don’t hit your sister” try saying “next time you are angry with your sister, go into the garage and hit the punch bag” or a more acceptable response that you prefer.

Another thing to try is being more direct with your speech, a friend of mine who is autistic always tells me neuro-typical are too polite. We always use would you, will you, could you when we mean do it. With this in mind try remembering “Say what you mean and mean what you say”. If you want them to open a window, say “Steve, open the window please”. You will also notice that I said the person’s name first to get their attention. Neuro-typical have a habit of saying it the wrong way round such as “Open the window Steve”, now even if you are the only two people in the room Steve only focuses on you when you say his name. So he replies “What”? to which we lose our temper because they were not listening to us. These tips won’t work with everyone but they are worth giving them a try.